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August 13, 2004 a third wheel, thats how i feel right now.. like, everyone's just trying to get rid of me, to shut me up - to get me gone, like they don't want me around anymore. i rang a friend up earlier today, granted she was busy at work but yaknow... it's been a while since i've rang her up, and each time 'sorry mate, i'm kinda busy...' so what do i do? put on a sad voice, perhaps that it's blatently obvious, then again, perhaps not - and say bye with a heavy sigh. life taking the piss right now, i'm just about ready to scream with the stress from work, i've been working flat out for two months with only 8 days off (seven days for a holiday two weeks in to the mess, and one day off about 5 weeks later). see, what happened is, my manager got mugged on the way to do the banking, and she's been off since - that was about two months ago now. ever since then, i've constantly been working over 50 hours, and it peaked at 66 and a half the other week. yes i know i'm moaning, i want to moan, and god damned right i'm seeking attention. my friends just say the odd word to me, tell me their busy and then expect me to do work for their precious fucking websites. i swear i'm being used, both by my work and by my friends. really interesting thought, and to be honest i thought i was past this phase, i was thinking about how much better life would be if i wasn't alive, yaknow... just me, dead, who'd work all the hours at work? who would my friends have to ignore? perhaps they don't do it on purpose, but lately it just gets me down. my friend i rang up earlier told me to tell her when i come down to see her and my other friends... like i didn't last time!!!!!!!!! she told me i didn't.. but i fucking well did! and have the chat logs to prove it! it's just little things like this that just make me thing "well they obviously don't want me around - so why should i bother with them?" few years ago, and old friend, another friend and myself were walking back from school. this old friend wanted my other friend to walk his way home, I wanted my other friend to walk my way home.. and because thats what we did back then, i offered to buy him a cake from sayers the bakers. my old friend laughed, saying "see, i don't have to buy my friends" and it's that thing that's just stuck with me ever since... i feel so insecure about my friends (as if this entry wasn't proof enough). i buy my friends gifts, i offer to buy them gifts... they say "thanks" or "cheers mate" (or some don't say anything except 'lol') but when push comes to shove, they'll sooner push me aside. |
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