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April 28, 2003 I'm 18 and full of regrets already. Usually I don't believe in them, fuck this. Honest time now. I feel thick at times, I swear it's my big head - thinking I can just learn the basics and breeze through everything else, when in fact my past actions are already coming back to haunt me. I want to learn so much, mainly because of others around me, and myself wanting to be good at it - or at least try it. Usually I'll already have an interest (i.e. 3D animation, PHP etc) and I'll try learn it, but I can't. I find I'm too impatient and just skip to the good stuff which is way too far over my head it's unbelievable. Then I try to go back to the start, but it's not sticking in my head. I'm sure I'm mentally retarded or something, lack of general knowledge and a social life at a young age doesn't do wonders for that person when he's an adult. I WANT to learn it, I WOULD LIKE to know it - yet for some reason I can't. I like to sound smart, when I'm not - I like to use big words yet can't even spell most of the simplest words. I want to play music properly, yet I'm too proud and egocentric to admit I would like to go back to classes with that Scottish bitch who shouted at me for not knowing the left hand. I have the mental age of a child, and I need, no, I MUST do some growing up. I need to act my age, not my shoe-size as the adverts so rightly say. I need to stand-up and take notice of the world and people around me, but I'm too afraid to. Maybe I'm not afraid. Maybe this 'fear' comes from not actually knowing what to do, where to go. Maybe there isn't fear at all, and alls thats left is the lack of knowledge. I WILL stand up now. I WILL take notice. I will complete my coursework even if it will kill me (and I'm sure I will) and I will get into University to further my skills. I WILLNOT be egocentric. I WILLNOT make up lies to make myself sound good or make it seem like I've done a few 'cool' things. Confessions, I need to be honest now. 1. Mrs Bocker - Though I'm too afraid to tell you in person, I am not grade '6' in music, but I'm sure you already knew that. 2. Greenie, I still smoke. I don't plan on quitting to any time, and whist I'm not saying I need it to pass the day... wait, I do. No, I don't... argh, I don't know anymore, I'm just too damned confused and thick to make sense of anything right now. I need to stop acting so naive and honest. I need to wake up and stop being so damned sarcastic. I'm sure theres more to knock myself down with, and I'll probably edit this entry when I realise what I've missed out. Right, coursework time. I shall not sleep until it is done or nearly enough for me to do tomorrow. |
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